Sixty ways to better love your man: Relationship tips from someone who knows.

Relationships take a lot of work. Even the best of friends can find themselves drifting apart like bum-hairs in a guff if both parties don’t find time to make the effort.

What follows is a list of uplifting, exciting and empowering things that a woman can do for her man that will really put the “Ban__g” into the “Bandaging over the cracks in a doomed relationship.”

(It looks like that list that inspired this post has been taken down, no doubt by cruel-eyed Feminists who don’t want their man having fun. So here’s Google’s cache! Hooray!)

(This post was inspired by the wonderful list here: I recommend it highly to all those who want to add some ‘zing’ to their lives.)

 1) Laugh! Men love a sense of humour, so if you’ve broken a vase left to you by your grandmother, look him in the eye and laugh as loud as you can.

2) Send an anonymous erotic fax to his workplace. He’ll feel awesome with everyone talking about how he’s a total stud.

3) Tell him how no other man could compare to his prowess. Test this hypothesis by keeping detailed notes during frequent sexual infidelities.

4) Take taxidermy classes together! This quirky hobby can be made all the more saucy by slyly hinting that something else needs a good stuffing…

5) Use a pumice stone to keep your feet silky smooth. Save the collected skin to bake him delicious, personal cupcakes.

6) We all know that every man is a ‘Mummy’s boy’ at heart. Call his mother while he’s out at work and find out her favourite perfume. Use it ‘down there’ for a familiar smell he’ll never forget.

7) Make him confident that you’re listening to what he’s saying by hiding Dictaphones in his bag, car and office.

8) Surprise him in the bedroom. Turn out the lights and have your mute neighbour with the withered arm feebly tug at his balls.

9) Experiment with new ways of kissing! Try locking lips while you’ve a mouthful of pickled herring, or gently nibbling his parts after a zesty tom yum!

10) Send him out on a journey. Men love to feel like explorers, so fill his head with mescaline and deafen him with drums.

11) That time of the month? Snuggle up together and watch Avatar. After the film, use what nature’s given you for some sexy tribal warpaint. Rawr!

12) Ask him about his childhood pet. Recreate this long lost friend using roadkill, old meat and bootlaces to put a nostalgic smile on his face.

13) Accept him for who he is. A bull-necked neo-nazi who desecrates graves? Don’t try to change him – men hate controlling women.

14) Use some psychology in the bedroom – sexy moans when he hits the right spot, wordless shrieking when you come off the boil.

15) Give your inner-child free reign and have a pillow-fight with your man! Don’t make it easy on him though – give yourself an advantage by hiding a demijohn of cold sick in your pillowcase.

16) Take him out for a trip he’ll never forget. Blindfold him, tie his hands and lead him to the passenger seat of his car. Once you’re up to a solid 70mph, tell him that the drink’s kicking in and you fancy a bit of a snooze.

17) Keep all of his things – every scrap of paper and every soiled tissue – you never know when he’s going to want it.

18) Play a game of strip poker. When he arrives home, guiltily shoo away the other players.

19) Make sure he stays healthy – burst into tears if he so much as looks at a burger.

20) Organise a night of rambunctious 18th century decadence by dressing in oriental robes and smoking opium. See if you can get hold of a frightened Chinese boy to add to the naughty fun!

21) Shave your ladyparts – not only will he love your newly-smooth kitten, but the hair can be saved to stuff an attractive, home made cushion.

22) When he comes back from work, jump out and perform a Hollywood “Getting fit” montage by rejecting an ice-cream, doing a press-up and perspiring freely with the radio tuned to Heart-FM.

23) Show your creativity by writing him a poem. Read it out at the point of orgasm in the voice of Pam Ayres.

24) Sign up for a butchery course – nothing says “I love you” like a fistful of fresh beef suet.

25) Men don’t understand subtlety – if you want something, daub out your desires on the bedclothes using whatever comes to hand.

26) Read his favourite book. Bonus points if you can understand all the big words.

27) Men need their space. Disappear without explanation for months at a time.

28) Pack him lunch for when he goes to work. Hide last night’s condom underneath his sandwiches for a saucy reminder of the fun you share.

29) A romantic night in is worth a thousand evenings out. Bar the doors as you make this clear.

30) We all know cars are penis extensions – treat him to a saucy car-wash in the ASDA multi-storey.

31) Introduce toys to sexy massage-play. A house-hold toffee-hammer can get rid of knots he never knew he had.

32) Our clothes tell us an awful lot about ourselves, and sometimes they reveal more than we know! Find the uniform of his old school to give him a saucy shock.

33) Take an interest in puzzles; men love an intelligent woman, and what better way to show your intelligence than circling seemingly arbitrary words in the paper to spell out dark and foreboding messages?

34) Take an interest in things outside the norm. Many cults, for example, will be only too happy to provide you with explanatory pamphlets at minimal up-front cost.

35) While these tips are important, don’t let them take over your life. Your man won’t be interested if you end up looking old and tired.

36) Set up a trophy cabinet to catalogue his successes. The empty spaces will serve to remind him to try harder in all he does.

37) Play practical jokes on each other. A man never feels more comfortable than when he is constantly on guard.

38) Dig a pond in your garden – suggest that the pair of you fill it with what your bodies can provide.

39) Take saucy photos of him when he least expects it: while he’s asleep, on the toilet or in the shower.

40) Initiate sex when he least expects it. This can be helped along by dosing him with Viagra and setting fire to his trousers.

41) Send your children and grandparents on a romantic weekend together.

42) Compliment him on how comfortable he is with not embodying any typically masculine traits. He’ll be too worried about what his friends think to stray too far from home.

43) Scream for no reason.

44) Make a big basket of chips and enjoy them at three in the morning, with loads of vinegar.

45) Make sure you never break eye contact when he is talking. Often, it helps to keep a pad and pen in order to take notes. Surprise him when watching telly by summarising your earlier conversations.

46) Always poo in front of him.

47) Remark upon his physique to his father. Enquire as to whether the apple falls far from the tree.

48) Stitch together a rice-paper dress and laugh with whimsy as it dissolves in the rain.

49) Buy him thirty-six gallons of ox blood and refuse to speak to him if he doesn’t find an immediate use for it.

50) Make a sneaky present. Using easy-to-find electronics and a household rat, you can make a rather cunning surveillance device.

51) Get some nice lingerie. Make him wear it over his suit to work.

52) Give him an unusual love-bite when he leaves for work by clamping your lips over his eye socket and sucking with all your might.

53) Surprise your man by getting him a tablet and stylus – a Roman one, that is! Making the wax out of your own extracted fat will provide a great talking point at the office while helping you shed those pounds.

54) Give him a personalised necklace – hair is stronger than steel and teeth come out easier than you’d think.

55) Never ask for help. He won’t love you if he knows you’re useless.

56) Make a naughty balloon sculpture from the inflated organs of a pig. The raunchy shapes will turn him on, while the carnivore in him will enjoy the treats!

57) Cling hard to him and tell him that you are scared when he doesn’t hug you.

58) Change all the numbers in his phonebook to yours – no matter who he rings, he’ll get a nice surprise!

59) Refuse to speak to any member of your family as soon as you move in together. If he loves you, he’ll do the same.

 60) Nothing says “I love you” like a reliance on a third party’s arbitrary suggestions to hold a relationship together: memorise this list – and all others like it – and never, ever, be yourself.

 If you’ve any more tips, I’d love to hear them in the comments below. Equally, if you’ve tried any of the above, do let me know how you got on!

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